Botox Backfire!

Lone Tree, Colorado

I want to start with a few observations.

1) Looking our best. I don't judge anyone for their decisions about improving their appearance. We all do it, whether putting on makeup every morning, going to the gym to stay toned, using Crest whitening strips on our teeth, getting our hair done, or sporting that hot new shirt that makes us look like we stepped out of an ad. I think it's good for us to try to look our best. It makes us feel better, boosts our confidence, and keeps us from becoming hermits on our couches with our remote controls.

2) Procedures. Be they invasive, non-invasive, cosmetic, or more, they are all simply other ways we can improve our appearance, only a lot more involved. If you want bigger boobs, go for it. Hair removal: I love the laser baby! Plugs, a nose job, tummy tuck, facelift, brow lift, lipo, big lip thing, whatever, if it makes you feel great and walk a little taller, then I say "more power to you."

3) Balance is the key. That said, our appearance is only one part of us, and I think we need to stay balanced about our entire person. Attractiveness comes from many places. How we look is just one piece. Our self-confidence, intelligence, personality, ability to laugh, heart, and spirit are even more important to our appearance and should never be compromised. Above all, our overall health should always be paramount. What good is it to look like we've been airbrushed if our health is on the fritz?

In the past few years, I've learned to "never say never." I always said I would never have anything done to myself as I age. "I'm going to age naturally," I would tell myself and everyone I knew. Well, that's so easy to say when you are in your thirties. But then, it happened. Forty-five. Forty-six. Forty-seven. And as I approached forty-eight, Lady Vanity took over, and I threw "never" out the window.

For the record, I won't do anything invasive. There's just something terrifying about going under general anesthesia for something elective. Put me under when you have to save my life, but until then, I will stick with non-invasive options. Yes, I am a big chicken.

So, I went from only coloring my hair every month to a desperate attempt to try to fix myself with non-invasive procedures, and I learned a few things. First, I look like a scarred Lobster when I have microdermabrasion, even with the finest little diamond tip. Peels, a good idea for most gone terribly wrong on my face. Even delicious facial scrubs can send me into hiding for days. Turns out I have sensitive skin. Who knew?

I had my belly fat sucked up and frozen, yes, I said frozen, and all that did was make my midsection feel like a science experiment gone wrong. Numb, tingly, sore, and swollen. It defeated the purpose, and there was no change after six to eight weeks. Was I surprised? Yes, because I am a fool! I miss the money I spent on that folly.

I had lipo laser, which I think holds promise, but I can't do cleanses (big surprise!), so it wasn't as effective for me, but I liked the infrared sauna that made me sweat like a faucet was on, pouring water on my body. That felt great.

But my lovely little cellulite cells are still hanging on to the Mothership, so my foray into the land of the laser didn't get me home either. I could have tried it longer; the people there were so lovely. I think I kept returning because I liked them so much, but I wasn't seeing results, and I wanted a glass of wine again.

But the worst for me was the Botox.

I have a genetic issue, compliments of my grandmother's family on my mother's side. We all have these heavy, puffy, Sherpa dog eyelids that, over time, literally hang over our eyes to the point of needing surgery. It's been coming for me for years. My right eye is especially bad. I am planning on having that surgically fixed at some point. Like all my relatives before me, as it is necessary. But in the meantime, the plastic surgeon suggested a "Botox brow lift" to lift that lazy right eyelid up for the time being.

So I'm thinking, "why not?" I have lots of friends who have had Botox and love it. My friend Debbie loves it so much she asked her husband for Botox for her 50th birthday. It appears he didn't take her seriously, though. Instead of a gift certificate to a med spa, she got a new Pug puppy dog to go with Biscuit, the Pug she already had. The new puppy's name….yep, you guessed it, Botox! Affectionately known as "Bo."

So off I went to the lovely lady with all the syringes in her room. She came highly recommended and seemed to know what she was talking about. She looked at my face and agreed a brow lift would be perfect. She also recommended Juviderm to help rid my face of lines and "sallow" places, and because I was so excited about my eye, I agreed to the whole enchilada. Bring it! I was going to look good!

She did a minimal amount of Botox and Juvederm in a couple of spots on my face. I left freaking out a bit, thinking I had just let someone inject all kinds of weird stuff in my face with a bunch of needles. And because I am the one human being on whom NOTHING works right, I had bruising and hematomas on my face from the needles, putting me in hiding for six days. I laid in bed that first night, touching the filler in my face, smooshing it around, and wondering what I did. It felt so lumpy and squishy that I worried I would wake up looking like Elephant Woman. Thankfully, that settled down, but I'm not too fond of the bumps I see on my cheeks. Give me back the "sallow" look, please. Why did I think I needed a "fuller face?"

But the worst was yet to come.

Two weeks after the Botox injections, I woke up, and my forehead felt like it was sliding off my skull! I looked in the mirror and screamed. (I cannot in good conscience repeat the exact words I said in that moment of shock and panic.)

My eyelids were puffy, and I had become a Sherpa dog overnight. Even though I was in a full-blown panic, I managed to brush my teeth before jumping in the car and heading back to the med doctor. I wanted fresh breath, at least when I unloaded on her about the fact that I was quickly losing the upper part of my face to gravity.

I walked in, and before I could say anything with my minty-fresh breath, she looked at me and said, "I know exactly why you're here." Maybe it was the fact that I was literally holding my eyelids up with my fingers that was the giveaway.

Well, it turns out that a tiny percentage of people overreact to Botox, and yours truly is one of them. Botox relaxes muscles, thus reducing fine lines. My Botox relaxed every muscle in my forehead to the point of nearly making my eyes disappear! Needless to say, there wasn't much that could be done. Botox wears off in three to four months. I used allergy eye drops daily to help, and the spa comped sessions for a special laser that tightened the derma layer of my skin. I was told to increase my metabolism (aka working out even more) to help speed up the process. The doctor said, "No more Botox for you!" I thought, "' ya think?!"

So here's my life lesson, for me and me alone. STOP IT! Fight the aging process naturally, and focus on being fit and healthy. My friend Tami was right when she said if all these things worked miracles for every person, everyone would be flocking to them. They work great for some and not so great for others. I would fall into the latter category.

So, I am back to where I started. I work with a trainer three times a week and do cardio on the other days. I am working with a nutritionist to address the rest of my concerns through proper nutrition. I use my eye drops religiously four times daily and count the weeks until the Botox is out of my forehead. I still feel like I want to staple my forehead to my skull to keep it up daily. I suppose it's good to know I will never do that again.

Once again, the Universe is at work in my life, letting me off my leash for a while so I can try and learn. And sometimes, I fall on my Botoxed face! This time, I realized that my vanity could run amok, and thankfully, the Universe slapped me on the wrist, and my sanity returned. I do better when I focus on my desire to be fit and healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I'm sure that if the Universe has a sense of humor, she's laughing her ass off at my Botox backfire. I know I am!

Until next time,